Knowing You, Jesus

I have a homeschooling schedule that I try to follow each day as I teach my three blessings.  By "schedule," I mean that there are subjects and lessons that I aim to complete with my kids each day any time during our waking hours.  We do a good job of completing assignments for the most part and I have learned not to get frazzled if things don't go as planned.  Sometimes my kids learn far more during the orderless days than they do when I meticulously plan.  This week, my sweet daughter called me into the living room, declaring it was time to worship the Lord.  I am pretty sure this girl will be a worship leader or pastor some day, as she is always setting up church and forcing us to sit and listen to her preach and pray and sing.  On this particular day, she had the radio on and was twirling around, eyes closed, arms in the air, singing, "Knowing You, Jesus."  How could I not join in this time of praise and worship?  She is an enormous interruption much of the day, but times like these I am glad she interrupted. Who needs to know how to convert decimals to fractions anyway? ;)

I am fortunate to have a few moments alone with God throughout every day.  This time might not be at the beginning of the day or when I would have planned it, but somehow I always find myself with chunks of time when things are going smoothly enough for me to sit alone with the Lord.  You might think that a homeschooling mother must be so busy that it's unimaginable, but I have found that this is far from the truth.  Sure, I could place unrealistic demands on myself and my children and fill our time so full of curriculum that none of us could breathe, but why?  There are times when my daughter is occupied with her doll house people and my older kids are completing their hour of independent reading or when Max and Ruby are entertaining my daughter while my sons finish their math assignments, when I find myself able to read my Bible or pray for longer than thirty seconds.  I haven't always made this time for prayer and studying the Word part of my life.  In my twenties, I strove to be the perfect wife, the ideal mother, the invaluable neighbor, the productive employee, the supportive friend.  All of that striving didn't produce perfection and instead left me feeling empty, discontented and exhausted. I was still lacking something, but it wasn't clear to me what that something was.

I know much of this need for perfection came from being the wife of a man who was lost in an addiction to prescription drugs, whose continual health issues left him in a constant cycle of abusing drugs to cope with the chaos inside his heart.  My twenty-something self needed to feel like everything was okay, that I was in control of something, though my life was out of control, unpredictable and unhappy.  I had to prove to my children that we were going to have a happy family and a happy childhood, regardless of our circumstances.  I had to prove to myself that I would not give up on my marriage, just because it was hard, just because I was miserable.  During that time, though, I didn't make room for Jesus.  I believed that Jesus died for my sins, I believed that I was going to Heaven, but I didn't cling to Jesus with all of my heart.  I had no idea what I was missing and how different my life could be, if only I would surrender completely.

Sometime in my mid-twenties, I finally found what it was I had been searching for to fill this emptiness in my heart: Jesus.  Jesus, for real. To know about Jesus and to know Jesus personally are two entirely different things.  Up until this point, I was unaware there was a difference.  I thought that as long as I had "heard the good news," I would avoid going to hell.  What I hadn't realized was that I couldn't just hear this news and push it to the back of my mind, continuing to harbor bitterness toward my husband and his addiction and continuing to live my life independently, apart from the will of God.  This knowledge of an all-powerful, loving, merciful God hadn't consumed me and given me the hunger for more.  I had felt the same way about this information that I did knowing my address or knowing that my kids preferred their PB&J cut into triangles instead of squares.  I knew the information, but it didn't change me.  I thought that I could know God was God, but that I could live for creating a perfect life instead of living for Him.

A decade after I first heard about Jesus, I understood what it meant to follow Him, to live for Him and to be loved by Him.  I was no longer enslaved by my feelings of inadequacy and the constant struggle to make life better, more rewarding, and happier somehow.  I no longer felt that it was necessary to pick up the pieces after my husband had produced yet another path of destruction for himself.  I could finally see that his addiction was his problem and his responsibility.  I was free from that massive burden of making perfection my true god.

Now, almost two decades after I first heard about Jesus, I am in awe of just how incredible our God truly is.  I still want to be a good neighbor, a supportive friend, a God-honoring wife and mother, but that want isn't what I live for and it is something that I know isn't possible on my own.  I try to do everything God sets before me with the desire to honor Him.  As I think about how different the circumstances in my life are compared to what they were even ten years ago, I cannot help but praise the Lord for what he's done.

John 14:6 says, "Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Who's Hearing the Gospel In Room 224?

During Doug's last hospital visit, the kids and I visited him after lunch one day.  The nurse came in to check on Doug and asked if our kids had a snow day that day, since they were at the hospital during "school hours."  When I told her we home school, she was full of questions.  She had been thinking of homeschooling her son because he was being bullied at his public school.  We began talking about our reasons for homeschooling and how God nudged us down that path.  Instantly, I could tell she was offended by my faith and my reasons for homeschooling.

A few sentences later, she revealed that she grew up attending a Catholic school and had read the Bible, but she had abandoned her faith years ago.  I began to encourage her to change her heart, when she got a page from another nurse and had to leave, but she assured me she'd be right back.  After she stepped out, my husband said that he'd already tried to talk to her and she shut him down and she was going to feel "attacked."  

Doug and I exchanged a few sort-of-not-nice words with one another about obedience to God and our faith.  Our boys, who had said nothing until then, chimed in with their observations.  They began talking about how you could "feel" the Holy Spirit when we were talking to this nurse.  They compared it to a movie and kept wondering what we were going to say next. They are at an age where they are intrigued by wars, battles, and the fights between good and evil, making this conversation between the nurse and I extremely interesting to them. If nothing else, I was glad that my three children were experiencing firsthand how not everyone will be receptive to us as Christians and not everyone will choose Jesus.  I think my husband had the same thoughts.

When the nurse returned, my husband, who moments earlier said my words sounded attacking and harsh, pretty much threw a spiritual brick at her head.  She explained how she's a "spiritual" person and is raising her kids to have good morals and values and is a nurse because it's what God wants her to do.  Before I could say anything, Doug blurts out, "Well, that's good and all, but you need Jesus Christ" and proceeded to explain how God sent his son, Jesus, to die for our sins.  This is where I'd like to say that she accepted Jesus right then and there and her life will be forever changed.  Instead, she said she didn't have time to talk about this anymore and had to tend to another patient.

This experience was not new to neither Doug nor I, but to my children this was baffling.  Why didn't she want to hear more, to know more about Jesus?  They couldn't understand, after hearing about God's love for someone, how that person could not immediately be affected.  The Bible talks about child-like faith and I love that I have three examples of this in front of me nearly all of the time.  What a great reminder! There are times when I share my faith with someone when I wonder exactly who it is I am witnessing to.  At the time, I thought it was the nurse.  Looking back, it was really my children.  It would have been wonderful for them to see this heart-broken woman turn to Christ.  But they learned more in that half-hour of overhearing our conversation than I had taught them all morning using our highly-rated homeschooling curriculum!

Homeschooling 2012

Today is the end of our third week of homeschooling this school year.  A recent conversation with a friend who also home schools her children (and who has been a tremendous source of inspiration and encouragement!) made me think about my family's homeschooling journey.  Three years ago, after much prayer and research, my husband and I made the decision to home school.

Three years ago at this time, I was overwhelmed, holding a newborn baby, reminding my children to pay attention for the millionth time, traveling back and forth to the hospital to visit my husband who was recovering from yet another surgery, and certain that I made a terrible mistake by choosing to home school.  I thought back to the summer when we made this decision and was sure it must have been a moment of pregnancy craziness.  Everyone knows you shouldn't make life-altering decisions during the third trimester!  But, here I was in a big, heaping pile of the chaos as I tried to make sense of our homeschooling curriculum, grade books, planning, and teaching, while nursing a newborn, keeping my house semi-clean, going to soccer practices, doctor visits, and spending time in surgery waiting rooms.  It was one of those places in my life when I was doing lots of things, but none of them were being done well.  I've been in those places more than once and they're not a fun place to be!

I am glad that I had many family members and friends praying for us during that time!  My husband eventually came home from the hospital, the newborn baby adapted to our family and the process of planning and teaching and record-keeping became less-intimidating.  Three years later, I am sure that I heard God clearly when he spoke to my heart about homeschooling.  I feel very confident that I am not going to "mess up" my children's education.  I'm not easily frustrated when my lesson plan and actual school day do not even resemble one another.  I'm okay with giving my children Honey Bunches of Oats for lunch or knitting an Etsy order while one of the boys reads our Science lesson to save time.  I've found a Math curriculum that practically teaches itself.  And if my three-year-old empties her dresser and tries on every bathing suit she owns while I'm teaching History, that's fine by me.

The Robinson's house is much more relaxed these days.  When I remember those first few weeks of homeschooling and the circumstances surrounding them, I am reminded of how blessed I am today.  My husband is as healthy as he can be (seasonal changes are never easy for Crohn's Disease) and he's not in the hospital.  My kids are all three becoming responsible, respectful, intelligent, kind, compassionate, wonderful warriors for Christ.  I am keeping busy with just the right amount of Etsy orders.  And most importantly, God is in the center of all of this.  We still have our days when nothing I do can make my children remember how to spell the word "substitute" or no one can remember what the lowest common denominator means, someone older than age five asks me if December comes after October and I wonder if a mother's brain can actually explode.  I have moments when I feel like I am not teaching the right material or that I don't have enough time to teach my kids everything I want them to learn.  Experience and time have shown me that I need only to trust God and everything will work out just the way he planned.

Our memory verse this week was Philippians 4:19: "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."  I'm grateful for His faithfulness and his provision in ALL circumstances.  Thankfully He gave me just enough strength and hope to continue teaching our kids.  It would have been extremely easy to give up on homeschooling and send my kids back to public schools, where they would receive an education, along with exposure to the undesirable things of this world that we work so hard to protect and shelter them from.  Homeschooling is hard work, but the rewards are better than anything I ever imagined.  

Play Doh Boogers and Other Things God Blessed Me With

I love weeks where things fall into place, even when they don't go the way I had planned.  My dear husband had an unhealthy week altogether.  This kind of thing can really disrupt my organized, meticulously planned week of homeschooling and running my household. God has *finally* shown me over the past few years, though, that this is not necessarily a bad thing and that it is part of HIS plan anyway.  His plan is always better than mine.  :)

What began as some pesky little Crohn's Disease symptoms, escalated to the point that he had to remain in bed for a few days.  When he finally began to recover, an infected tooth sent him to the dentist for repair.  Thankfully, all of his ailments are resolved now and we're enjoying a laid-back weekend!

During this week, I had many moments where I stopped just to think about HOW I was juggling so much at once.  Don't misunderstand, this week had nothing on the weeks that Doug is in the hospital recovering from surgery, but it was a challenging week, nonetheless.  Time and time again, God gave me just what my family needed to make our life feel less hectic and even productive.  Ellery was beyond excited to play Play Doh during school one day--for two hours straight!  She ended up making "boogers" out of the green Play Doh (those brothers teach her well!) and I had to stop often to look at her many creations, but that time she kept busy was a very appreciated gift.  And so, I thanked God that day for Play Doh Boogers.

 
I was able to start and finish a cute pair of monkey slippers during my breaks (aka: naptime).   You can check them out on my Etsy site: http://www.etsy.com/listing/89849288/knitted-monkey-slippers


I also found a wonderful web site for making tests.  If you home school your children, I highly recommend this free web site:  https://www.easytestmaker.com/default.aspx.  A BIG time-saver for me!

Welcome To My New Blog!

Not long ago, I was sitting in yet another waiting room, re-reading magazines I'd read the last time I was there.  I was frustrated with so much of my time being consumed with waiting and feeling unproductive.  Later that day, I mentioned on Facebook that I wanted to learn how to knit so that I could use my waiting to create something.  I was overwhelmed at the number of people who offered to teach me!  Thankfully, one of my neighbors brought over some yarn and a pair of needles and patiently showed my how to knit.

God chose for me to be the wife of my husband, Doug, who has ongoing medical issues that require many surgeries, hospital stays, and doctor visits.  Doug has Crohn's Disease, which had caused just a couple of simple surgeries and mild health issues over the course of our marriage.  But in the summer of 2009, when I was six months pregnant with our third child, Doug's health changed dramatically.  A trip to the emergency room with an obstructed bowel turned into a Staph Infection, a surgical wound that took over a year to heal even with the use of a wound vacuum, and multiple other surgeries to remove scar tissue, portions of intestine and colon.  He has yet to experience complete healing and currently has a partial bowel obstruction that may or may not become fully-obstructed.  We've learned to stop questioning this and are content with living in the middle of God's will for our family.

What a journey this has been and continues to be, for not just Doug and I, but also for our three amazing, godly, beautiful, hilarious, wonderful children: Ian (13), Brodie (10) and Ellery (2).  What sometimes seems like a burden is also an indescribable blessing.  It's one thing to believe that God is the Almighty Healer; but when you're in the midst of sickness and still believe that, it takes tremendous faith.  For God to give my family that kind of faith is a miracle to me!  To know that God is using this storm to show us parts of himself that we could not see otherwise is an honor.   

We began homeschooling in the fall of 2010, an adventure that both encourages and disappoints me on a regular basis!  I love watching my kids learn and grow in ways that I would never witness if they were attending a traditional school. Seeing them wanting to find answers to big questions and listening to them tell me about the latest book they want to read is extremely rewarding.  It can also make me crazy when one of my boys can't remember what nine times six is, though they have known how to multiply for a long time or when they complain that homeschooling is way harder than public school.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to teach my children at home, especially when life gets messy.

God has also continuously provided for our family, giving us contentment without having a lot of "stuff".  I left my full-time job as a Business Office Manager to take care of my family, reducing our income by more than half.  I'm glad I didn't know at the time how long this season would last, but so far, God has not let us go without anything we need. We've definitely had to go without many things in the past few years.  Hopefully, my children will look back on this time in their childhood and remember how God's hand was on all of it.  Knowing that we serve an awesome Lord who will provide for us makes my heart filled with joy.

I am excited that all of the waiting and praying and tearful news has brought me to where I am at this moment and to this new blog about my knitting adventures.  Knitting and praying just go together, so I've been doing a lot of both!  I've recently opened an Etsy shop to sell what I've been creating.  This has given me a feeling of accomplishment and calmness in the middle of what can often feel like chaos!  Please visit my Etsy shop at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheRobinsonsHouse  and let me know what you think!