God's Perfect Timing

As I have written about before, I had a miscarriage in January of 2012, an event that affected me so deeply and so fully that it changed who I am.  Since then, as friends have loved me, listened to me, shared their stories with me, and prayed with me, I know I have healed.  But miscarriage is one of those events that I am not sure someone can ever completely heal from.  For months following the loss of our baby, I was on a mission to become pregnant again.  It consumed my brain and I couldn't make it stop.  I studied ovulation charts, read books, stalked pregnancy web sites, consulted with friends and family members, spent a ridiculous amount of money on ovulation prediction kits, and pretty much drove my husband crazy with incessant planning. My husband was a good sport about my, "we have 12 hours to get pregnant" announcements month after month, only making sarcastic comments roughly half of the time. Seriously, this man should get an award for his love and patience, especially since during part of this baby craze, he had a drainage tube in his side for some kidney stone issues he was having and he still didn't tell me to give it a rest.  He was mostly patient and understanding and I am continually thankful that God chose this man to be my husband.

During all of this planning and research, I started to become convicted about the whole thing.  As I prayed, I was continually met with God asking me, "Do you want this baby more than you want Me?" and "Don't you trust Me?".  At first, I pushed those questions away because surely I loved the Lord above all and trusted Him fully, I didn't even need to think about it.  But then, I started examining how I spent my time. Did I really think about this non-existent baby more than I thought about the real and living God?  Was I spending more time perusing natural fertility web sites than I was studying the Word of God?  It terrified me to come face to face with this truth.  God is definitely first in my life, but the fact that this concern was even in my mind gave me a new outlook on having another baby.

Finally, I had had enough.  I could no longer calculate the best day to get pregnant.  I couldn't handle the pitying look the cashier at the Dollar Tree gave me as I purchased yet five more ovulation kits.  That two week wait to find out if I was pregnant was just too dreadful for me to endure. I certainly couldn't tolerate the possibility of this baby becoming an idol.  As much as I wanted another baby, I prayed for God to change my heart if this wasn't His will for my life.  I also prayed that He would give me a desire for Him that was greater than anything else in my life.

A dear friend gave my family the opportunity to have an affordable beach vacation, which happened to be the week that our baby would have turned a year old.  I was relieved for the distraction from our every day life and glad to be able to get away with my other three little blessings from Jesus to have a fun week.  But as the anniversary of my would-have-been due date came, I found myself feeling a bit sad.  It seemed the beach was filled with one-year-old babies and pregnant women!  I couldn't help but think about how much fun it would be to have a sunblock and sand covered toddler with us, chasing seagulls, spilling juice boxes, finding lady bugs and eating dirt.  I again longed for that baby I didn't get to meet.  I also thought it was strange that I was so grieved by this day that I began to physically feel pregnancy symptoms.  Unwilling to let my emotions and now physical ailments ruin our fun, I ignored all of this and continued on with our vacation.

Watching the waves on Lake Michigan.

We got home and unpacked in the evening on August 29th, a year after the day our baby would have been due and I still felt not-quite-right.  I still had a pregnancy test in the bathroom and decided to take it just in case this nausea wasn't all in my head.  It was positive.  I was in shock.  I wanted to be excited.  I wanted to love this baby and think about who he or she would be.  In reality though, this was not at all how I imagined I  would feel when I finally did become pregnant.  I wanted reassurance that this baby would be healthy and a guarantee that I would be holding this little baby in the spring.

Doug and I decided to wait to tell our kids until after we heard the baby's heartbeat.  When I miscarried, there was never a heartbeat, so this seemed like a good milestone.  At nine weeks, I had an appointment with a nurse and I lost it.  I told her about my miscarriage and how unenthusiastic I was about being pregnant.  She had experienced a miscarriage as well and understood, so she squeezed me in for an ultrasound.  I got to see little hands and a little heartbeat, so I did feel much better knowing there was a live baby in there!  We told our other kids later that evening and they were excited about having a new baby.  My daughter had just turned four and is obsessed with babies, so this news was the best ever for her.  She even asked me if this baby can be her own child when it grows up.  I am not sure what that means exactly, but I know this little baby is loved already!  She tells everyone from the nurse who gave her a flu shot to the cashier at the grocery store that there is a baby in her Momma's tummy.

Ellery making footprints in the sand with her baby doll, Logan.

I am excited to meet the baby God has made for our family.  This baby is the one He chose for us, not the one I planned and orchestrated.  Isaiah 55:8 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."  It can be so hard to "give up" sometimes when I want something so much that I felt like I need to help God in order to make it happen.  That wisdom He gave me when I was faced with those hard questions wasn't easy to accept. But thankfully, God has made a way for me to have another baby, but in the way that He planned from the start.

"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."  Psalm 62:1-2

Parenting From Proverbs

Most years, our neighbors pick a Saturday and have a neighborhood-wide garage sale.  This year, however, just a few of us had the time and stuff to have a sale, so we met at my house and had one, big sale.  My children wanted to have a lemonade/baked goods stand at the end of the driveway during our sale to earn money for an upcoming vacation.  I am a bit grossed out by children pouring beverages (I have observed too many hands digging in the dirt and fingers in noses), so I agreed to bake some cookies, Rice Krispies treats and mini loaves of bread for my kids to sell, along with some bottled water. 

My middle son and I tend to disagree on most things.  I have prayed about this, yet nothing changes.  I try diligently not to argue with this twelve-year-old blessing from Jesus and have accepted that he and I have different perspectives.  My prayer now is for his future wife, my future daughter-in-law.  I pray that she is living a life that is preparing her for his strong personality.  Anyway, he was not happy that there would be no lemonade at this lemonade stand.  I had to pick up a few things at Meijer and he asked to ride along.  I was suspicious, as he is not fond of shopping.  When we arrived, he asked if he could use his own money to buy Country Time Lemonade and cups to sell lemonade the following day.  I was at the point of my day where I didn't really care whose boogers ended up in whose cup of lemonade, so I agreed.

The lemonade mix was on sale for $2 and the cups were $1.46.  He waited in the checkout lane behind me and when I was finished with my purchase, the cashier rang up his two items.  I was standing nearby, but close enough to hear her tell Brodie his total was $1.55.  He handed her the money and met me where I was standing.  I looked at him and asked him how his transaction went.  He said that the things he bought must have been on sale because it didn't cost as much as he thought it would. 

I was tired and cranky after my day of getting merchandise in order for a yard sale, taking care of three kids and our house, and baking and baking and baking.  I just wanted to go home, make dinner, bathe my daughter, get our bedtime business finished and go to sleep!  As exhausted as I was, I couldn't ignore this teaching moment that the Lord had placed in front of me.  I could think of a hundred places in Scripture that told me I had to teach my son something despite my mentally and emotionally drained state.

I told Brodie that something seemed wrong and we needed to look at his receipt to be sure that the cashier charged him for both of the items he bought.  Sure enough, only the cups were listed on his receipt.  I asked him what we should do about it and he shrugged his shoulders, as a twelve-year-old would.  I gave him some words to use to explain to the Customer Service cashier what had happened and stood back while he remedied this situation.  She was shocked that he was so honest, collected his money for the lemonade, and gave him a store coupon for $2 off of his next purchase.  We didn't know he would get that coupon, intending for him to pay for the lemonade without the expectation of a reward and I really wanted him to know that even if it costs us, we still do what is right.  But I guess it was a good reinforcement to show him that it pays to be honest.

There are many books written on the topic of parenting and while many of these books can be useful, I am ever-thankful that the best parenting instruction comes directly from the Lord.  Proverbs 12:22 says: "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful."  How amazing and wonderful that a twelve-year-old boy can bring DELIGHT to the Almighty God!  As a mother, my greatest prayer for my children is that they will desire God and choose Him above all.  I want to raise children who will be godly men and women, who will be living testimonies of the power of our risen King.  How fortunate I was that day in Meijer for that unexpected moment that will shape my son's heart in preparation for the man he will become.

In the end, Meijer still lost $2 in the form of a coupon, only it was lost in a way that honored God, delighted Him even.  It would have been easy to avoid all of the hassle involved in paying for the lemonade.  It would also have taught my son that it is okay to profit from the mistake of another person and that it pays to be dishonest.  Instead, ten minutes of my already long day, taught him that it is important to be honest, truthful, and a good witness for Christ at all times, not just when we "feel like it." 

My Would-Be Due Date: August 29, 2012

Since my miscarriage in January, not a single day (hour maybe?) has gone by that I haven't thought about it.  Most of the time, it's just a passing thought, as I think about how far along I'd be or how big the baby would be.  But sometimes, it overwhelms me so much that I find my heart breaking all over again.  This week is proving to be especially hard for me since our baby was due on August 29th.  Seven months later and the thought that I should be getting ready to bring a baby home from the hospital is still floating around in my mind.

Yesterday, as I played baby dolls with my daughter and watched how loving and sweet she is with pretend babies, I lost it.  She often asks me for a friend and points out that Ian and Brodie are friends, but she doesn't have a sister.  Ellery asked me if I was crying because I missed Great Papa. I know she was trying to remember a time in her life when she had seen me this upset and my grandpa's funeral came into her mind.  I told her I was just sad and she said, "It's okay, Momma.  You will see Papa again someday.  He's with Jesus."

I thanked God for the comfort he sent to me in the words of a two-year-old.  I had the World's Most Wonderful Grandpa and I thought of him holding my baby in Heaven.  A few days before he died in June, he told me he wanted to hold my "other baby, the baby girl."  When I told him Ellery is the only baby girl I have, he told me I was wrong and he would hold my other baby later.  This delightful old man said lots of things that didn't make sense toward the end of his life, so I didn't think much of it.  But now I'm thankful for his seemingly crazy talk.  And I am thankful I have a grandpa who walked with Christ, who is now in Heaven loving on the baby I haven't gotten to meet yet.

Often, I wonder about those who don't know Christ.  How do they make it through each day?  How do they endure a miscarriage with no hope of ever seeing their baby in Heaven?  Anger and sadness must overtake their lives.  Even on my hardest days of healing from this loss, I know that God's hands are wrapped around my life and He loves me.  How amazing and wonderful to know that the Creator of the entire universe has chosen me to be His child and he holds every tear I've ever cried.

I always seem to turn to Psalms when I need encouragement.  There is always a verse that speaks directly to my heart.  Psalm 62:1-2 says:  "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.  From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

What an awesome reminder that when we are feeling overwhelmed, we need to seek God and his wisdom, rather than attempt to figure it out on our own.  I may never know why my miscarriage happened, but I know the One who does.  And I trust Him.

Target Loves Me So Much They Pay Me To Shop There...

I love Target.  The Target store nearest to my house is just close enough to shop there frequently, but just far enough so that I am not tempted to go there daily.  Last week was an especially fun Target shopping trip for me because it's "Back-to-School" sale time and they were giving things away...after coupons anyway.  Here is what I got for free last week, in addition to cheap toilet paper, granola bars and diapers:  (2) packages of Papermate pens, (3) twin-packs of RoseArt glue sticks, (6) 24-packs of RoseArt crayons (technically 9 packages of crayons, but I shared one of my coupons with another customer so that she got 3 packs for free), (2) Up & Up brand eye drops, and (2) packages of Hershey's Simple Pleasures chocolates.

My sweet cashier, Libby, even had another employee bring me the two packages of chocolates at the cash register because I couldn't find them while I was shopping.  For a Momma shopping with three children, one of whom was barefoot, covered in Dora the Explorer stickers that she found in my purse, and is eating one of the granola bars we haven't bought yet, this act of kindness is VERY much appreciated.  She also is a super-fast coupon scanner.  Libby deserves a raise. 

These fun freebies made the purchase of new soccer cleats for Brodie a little less unpleasant.  Dunham's never has their $17.99 sale-priced cleats in stock in Brodie's size, so we always end up with the more expensive kind.  Why do little boys' feet grow so quickly!? 

Play Doh Boogers and Other Things God Blessed Me With

I love weeks where things fall into place, even when they don't go the way I had planned.  My dear husband had an unhealthy week altogether.  This kind of thing can really disrupt my organized, meticulously planned week of homeschooling and running my household. God has *finally* shown me over the past few years, though, that this is not necessarily a bad thing and that it is part of HIS plan anyway.  His plan is always better than mine.  :)

What began as some pesky little Crohn's Disease symptoms, escalated to the point that he had to remain in bed for a few days.  When he finally began to recover, an infected tooth sent him to the dentist for repair.  Thankfully, all of his ailments are resolved now and we're enjoying a laid-back weekend!

During this week, I had many moments where I stopped just to think about HOW I was juggling so much at once.  Don't misunderstand, this week had nothing on the weeks that Doug is in the hospital recovering from surgery, but it was a challenging week, nonetheless.  Time and time again, God gave me just what my family needed to make our life feel less hectic and even productive.  Ellery was beyond excited to play Play Doh during school one day--for two hours straight!  She ended up making "boogers" out of the green Play Doh (those brothers teach her well!) and I had to stop often to look at her many creations, but that time she kept busy was a very appreciated gift.  And so, I thanked God that day for Play Doh Boogers.

 
I was able to start and finish a cute pair of monkey slippers during my breaks (aka: naptime).   You can check them out on my Etsy site: http://www.etsy.com/listing/89849288/knitted-monkey-slippers


I also found a wonderful web site for making tests.  If you home school your children, I highly recommend this free web site:  https://www.easytestmaker.com/default.aspx.  A BIG time-saver for me!