Knowing You, Jesus

I have a homeschooling schedule that I try to follow each day as I teach my three blessings.  By "schedule," I mean that there are subjects and lessons that I aim to complete with my kids each day any time during our waking hours.  We do a good job of completing assignments for the most part and I have learned not to get frazzled if things don't go as planned.  Sometimes my kids learn far more during the orderless days than they do when I meticulously plan.  This week, my sweet daughter called me into the living room, declaring it was time to worship the Lord.  I am pretty sure this girl will be a worship leader or pastor some day, as she is always setting up church and forcing us to sit and listen to her preach and pray and sing.  On this particular day, she had the radio on and was twirling around, eyes closed, arms in the air, singing, "Knowing You, Jesus."  How could I not join in this time of praise and worship?  She is an enormous interruption much of the day, but times like these I am glad she interrupted. Who needs to know how to convert decimals to fractions anyway? ;)

I am fortunate to have a few moments alone with God throughout every day.  This time might not be at the beginning of the day or when I would have planned it, but somehow I always find myself with chunks of time when things are going smoothly enough for me to sit alone with the Lord.  You might think that a homeschooling mother must be so busy that it's unimaginable, but I have found that this is far from the truth.  Sure, I could place unrealistic demands on myself and my children and fill our time so full of curriculum that none of us could breathe, but why?  There are times when my daughter is occupied with her doll house people and my older kids are completing their hour of independent reading or when Max and Ruby are entertaining my daughter while my sons finish their math assignments, when I find myself able to read my Bible or pray for longer than thirty seconds.  I haven't always made this time for prayer and studying the Word part of my life.  In my twenties, I strove to be the perfect wife, the ideal mother, the invaluable neighbor, the productive employee, the supportive friend.  All of that striving didn't produce perfection and instead left me feeling empty, discontented and exhausted. I was still lacking something, but it wasn't clear to me what that something was.

I know much of this need for perfection came from being the wife of a man who was lost in an addiction to prescription drugs, whose continual health issues left him in a constant cycle of abusing drugs to cope with the chaos inside his heart.  My twenty-something self needed to feel like everything was okay, that I was in control of something, though my life was out of control, unpredictable and unhappy.  I had to prove to my children that we were going to have a happy family and a happy childhood, regardless of our circumstances.  I had to prove to myself that I would not give up on my marriage, just because it was hard, just because I was miserable.  During that time, though, I didn't make room for Jesus.  I believed that Jesus died for my sins, I believed that I was going to Heaven, but I didn't cling to Jesus with all of my heart.  I had no idea what I was missing and how different my life could be, if only I would surrender completely.

Sometime in my mid-twenties, I finally found what it was I had been searching for to fill this emptiness in my heart: Jesus.  Jesus, for real. To know about Jesus and to know Jesus personally are two entirely different things.  Up until this point, I was unaware there was a difference.  I thought that as long as I had "heard the good news," I would avoid going to hell.  What I hadn't realized was that I couldn't just hear this news and push it to the back of my mind, continuing to harbor bitterness toward my husband and his addiction and continuing to live my life independently, apart from the will of God.  This knowledge of an all-powerful, loving, merciful God hadn't consumed me and given me the hunger for more.  I had felt the same way about this information that I did knowing my address or knowing that my kids preferred their PB&J cut into triangles instead of squares.  I knew the information, but it didn't change me.  I thought that I could know God was God, but that I could live for creating a perfect life instead of living for Him.

A decade after I first heard about Jesus, I understood what it meant to follow Him, to live for Him and to be loved by Him.  I was no longer enslaved by my feelings of inadequacy and the constant struggle to make life better, more rewarding, and happier somehow.  I no longer felt that it was necessary to pick up the pieces after my husband had produced yet another path of destruction for himself.  I could finally see that his addiction was his problem and his responsibility.  I was free from that massive burden of making perfection my true god.

Now, almost two decades after I first heard about Jesus, I am in awe of just how incredible our God truly is.  I still want to be a good neighbor, a supportive friend, a God-honoring wife and mother, but that want isn't what I live for and it is something that I know isn't possible on my own.  I try to do everything God sets before me with the desire to honor Him.  As I think about how different the circumstances in my life are compared to what they were even ten years ago, I cannot help but praise the Lord for what he's done.

John 14:6 says, "Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

A Date With My Husband at the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission

My husband and I aren't a "date night" kind of couple.  Occasionally we get crazy and go to Meijer for groceries after dinner, leaving all three children home to entertain themselves.  Most of our dates include standing in our kitchen at 9pm, eating store-brand Triscuits and coming up with solutions to each others' life problems.  It works for us.  Plus, I like to wear pajamas and be in bed by 10pm. 

One of my husband's burdens is that he feels called to serve people in our community who are broken, homeless, addicted, and in need of a Savior.  Sometimes he hesitates and needs a push to get started on things.  I'm a little bit bossy an encouraging wife and if he shares something like this with me, I will find a way to help him.  He had mentioned helping out at the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission and through Facebook, I heard about a Lunch and Learn meeting that they hold once a month or so.  We missed the first one I knew about because Doug was in the hospital with a tube through his back into his kidney.  This month, however, there are no tubes attached to anyone, so I signed us up.  Lunch without children = a date at the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission.

The day arrived and it was a warm yet rainy walk from our car to the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission.  We passed several women who were ignoring their fussing children, while avoiding eye contact as we walked by.  It was obvious to me that these kids were entirely exhausted and bored.  I have seen this same behavior in my own children, the difference being that I am able to tuck my babies into their own bed or hand them a jar of Play-Doh or even start a Dora the Explorer DVD.  These mothers, being homeless, didn't have those options.  And so they stood, waiting for the hour to arrive when they could enter the Gospel Mission for lunch and a moment out of the rain.  We later learned that the residents of the Gospel Mission get to eat first, followed by the general public, including these emotionless mothers of distraught children.

As we entered the building, we were greeted by a kind, approachable woman named Tammy, who led us into the Lunch and Learn meeting.  She reminded me instantly of a dear friend of mine from church.  I often wonder if God makes certain people familiar so that we are drawn to them and comfortable engaging with them.  In the meeting were pastors from local churches and another representative of the Gospel Mission named Nancy.  It was a smaller group than I expected and we quickly realized that it is typically pastors and community leaders who attend these meetings rather than individuals.  We were just two people there because of Jesus.  I'm sure we weren't the first couple without ties to an organization to attend, but it was clear that it was rare.  Thankfully, we felt comfortable in this setting and everyone there was warm and welcoming.  Plus, we are very much used to standing out from the rest of the world.  Being a family who doesn't do things the way most families do we just have that something that attracts attention and questions.  Rarely do we "fit in", yet we've learned to be comfortable with that.

As the meeting continued, we were presented with lots and lots of information about the services provided by the Gospel Mission.  The love of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit were evident throughout this presentation.  Nancy and Tammy spoke about the people who come to the Gospel Mission and how these people walk in alone, but are able to walk out with a relationship with God.  We were given a tour of the building and met people who were once residents in the shelter, who were now employees whose lives have been transformed and redeemed by Jesus.  There were men eating lunch, wearing backpacks with all of their possessions inside.  There were mothers holding tiny babies and others helping older kids with their homework.  There was evidence of an enormous problem in this community, but also of the hope that can be found in Christ alone.

As we left, we passed more people smoking cigarettes, combing unwashed hair and organizing their small piles of belongings. They were depressed, displaced and wandering, not knowing where to go or what to do with this day.  Their lack of motivation and ambition is exhausting to me. They are not necessarily bad people, as our community is so quick to label them.  Some of them seem oblivious to the fact that there is more to life than drifting up and down sidewalks, carrying plastic grocery bags of stuff they've accumulated.  Others appeared vulnerable and miserable, knowing that there is a different way to spend their time, but lacking the knowledge and ability to change.  My prayer is that these people will utilize the services provided by the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission, that their brokenness will lead them to this place where they can learn about Christ.  They are literally footsteps away from the entrance to this building, but their hearts are miles away.

Doug and I didn't see the latest movie release or enjoy dinner at a fancy restaurant, yet our Lunch and Learn date was time well-spent together.  We even had grown-up conversation in the car without children asking questions, telling stories and sharing their opinions, which is rare.  It was time that strengthened our relationships with Christ and with each other.  A successful date, to say the least. 

There is currently a campaign to raise money to build a new facility, as the current Gospel Mission is crumbling in some areas.  There are also opportunities to serve as a volunteer at the Gospel Mission or to donate just about anything you can think of and things you wouldn't think of!  Visit their web site to find out more: http://www.kzoogospel.org.  And the next Lunch and Learn is in early May, if you're looking for a memorable "date afternoon."